Lunatic Lacerations

Allright, so I haven't updated this in a long time. Mostly I haven't felt like it. I don't know what to say because I don't know my audience. So, since I think Mariah will want to know what's going on in my life I'm going to write things down here.

So far since she has left:
  I've started helping out at the local Alternative and Adult Education Center to ensure fixing some mistakes the blasted school did with me not to long ago. It's hard. I'm tutoring this girl and it's just very hard to find the right way to teach her. She's never been in school, yet she's easily seventeen or sixteen years of age. Fractions, she's learning fractions, and I'm trying to find the right way to explain things, but I have to slow myself down enough so that I can describe the process to her.

It's exhausting. Completely exhuasting.

I'm worried about Mariah, she's going to all these places where if something happens I can't protect her, and the only way I could feel safe is if she was within the protection of her host parents or the program...and she won't be. She'll be out drinking with five or so college girls I've never met and certainly don't trust. And I swear if any one of them get her into trouble, I might just feel the need to kill them.

Which reminds me, surprisingly enough it seems my anger is back in key. Without Mariah here to talk to I haven't talked to anybody about anything really, and that's probably bad, but I got so used to talking to her about things I'm not sure what else to do. Maybe I'll tell Kate or Alicia some of the things going on.

Today some ignorant fuck made a foolish remark about a wordplay joke of mine, and I swear I wanted to smack that smirk off his face. I wanted to hurt him, quite a bit. So I walked away and paced back and forth for about forty minutes while tossing an apple into the air and catching it. Anger. I think I'm going to have to start talking about my worries on life again soon.

Some of my friends are going through some issues and I can't write about it right now because I have no right to tell the world their problems. And that makes me sad because Mariah probably won't find out for awhile. Especially since it turns out that international calling cards are a very rare commodity. Thus far I have not found any at all.

I went to see Jackass 2 yesterday. It was funny.

I don't know what to say, but I really don't feel like talking much. I think I'm going to go.

Oh yeah, I started the admissions process today, and I'm taking care of things so she shouldn't worry too much.

Anyway, I need to go do something.

  I'm not really sure what to write. That's why I haven't written in so long. I'm still obsessed with music, I've got almost thirty GB of music now. I've purchased about nine new dvds and I'm still obsessed with movies. I've written a lot for my campaign, I'm still obsessed with Dungeons and Dragons. I've started working on opening an online store selling clothes for geeks, I'm still obsessed with trying to make some money. I've purchased about three new books on drawing, I'm still obsessed with trying to learn to draw. I'm still me. I'm still strange. And I'm still not sure what to write.

France lost. Big time. Penalty kicker headbutted a player on the Italy team. And of course, when the penalty kicks come up, France loses.

I was looking forward to this, they were doing so well. And then some asshole has to ruin it for everyone else.

So, depression, time to take a shower.

So, I'm sitting here, Mariah's at work, I go soon enough, July 4th, my little hick town throughs this lil shindig of a festahval an wese all get 'round and go have ourselfs a good ol' time.

*sighs* Is what I would probably say if I identified with this town a little more during the period. They turned the park pavilion into a bear tent and played rap music while people of all ages and without lives sang, danced, and drank to their hearts content. I feel sorry for Fryer, he lives next door to it, and the music probably kept him up for a time.

Anyway, so, work was annoying yesterday, Burrito, that's the nick name of one of the cooks, decided he'd be a little bossy asshole. So, somewhere between Fryer making jokes about him having sand in his vagina, and him giving me orders I blew a gasket and told him he better shut his fucking mouth before I shut it for him. I had no more problems from him. I don't like re...no, that's a lie, I love it when it comes down to violence, I love pain, and I love giving pain. I guess that makes me sadomasochistic huh? But, I like dealing with my problems in a civilized manner first, and only if that fails do I then use violence. But damn can even the threat be effective, I'd forgotten that over the years. Maybe if I had beaten the shit out of Brian a little he wouldn't have hurt me or my friends like he has. *shrugs* Oh well, over now.

So, last gaming night most of us went over the Fryer's and we watched some Samurai 7, good anime.

And yesterday, after work, Fryer came over and we chilled while playing Dynasty Warrior's 5, we had some prime rib and pizza and just kicked ass. Mariah called and I talked to her for a little while and then I called her back once Fryer left. We lost track of time and it turned out he had stayed at my house an extra hour, I'm sure his woman was mighty pissed, but we really did lose track of time. We should have left a note, but we didn't think we'd be hanging out that long. Sorry Lindy.

So, after that I talked to Mariah and she asked me to tell her a story about us going to "the fair" I've never been to a fair before, so it was interactive storytelling. As in "So, Francis asks Mariah what to do and Mariah says?"

Her: Ferris Wheel
Me: Ok. They get in line for the Ferris Wheel, and Francis turns to Mariah and says "You know what couples do at the top?"
Her: But there are little kids riding.
Me: Just a quick kiss.

So, my time at the fair.

We then went to sleep and I got her up for work at nine, and then slept again until 11:00.

But, I had a really strange dream. In it I was in this complex on mars, Earth was excavating something from them, and Earth was ruled by an empire which kept everything neat and clean and sterile and static. All of existence relegated to shedule and subroutines. I was working with a group to sabotage one of the excavation sites. In the incinerating blast afterwards, one that the government actually started, not my freedom fighters, they thought I had been killed. Although I was injured, I did make it back to earth. I returned to my cover job and found that one of my secretaries, one that had a secret love for the arts, pictures and literature which were blacklisted by the government, had done my room up in bright colors, and even got me a plant. Plants, having sporadic growth processes of course are not allowed anywhere but in specially designed locations. That plant, and the repainted room were proof to me that people didn't want to be machines, people wanted freedoms. And I would continue to fight for them until I died.

I woke up after that. Anyway, I'm going to take off, seeya later.

   So, yesterday I called Basia and we talked for awhile. She requested that I write more about my life, and so I shall try to do just that.

Continuing where I left off, Shay and I are friends again, and I stop hiding my feelings from her, for the most part at least. She is still with Damian and of course and so things are extremly tenous due to his dislike for me. I ended up dating a girl named Amanda soon afterwards, and things were very good. It didn't take long, about four or three months before the relationship started to falter due to the distance and her needs, which I could not supply being as far away as I was.

We broke up, but not until I had learned to trust her, and after we broke up, and she decided she didn't want to talk to me anymore, I was hurt, and confused. But I buried myself into my work and found more and more people that needed help. It's surprising how many people have been hurt by the ones that profess to love them. I lost the ability to find a good night's sleep, I contemplated, collected information, and sifted through the piles of knowledge in my head until I found out what to do for these people. There is an answer to every question. Think of it this way.

You have heard the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child"?

It is true, in a sense. Every sensation, every happenstance of creation and little tiny stimuli helps to form the person we are, have been, and are becoming. We are defined not only by our actions, but by the situations that bring about that counter-balancing act of choice. By getting to know these people, examining their lives, actions, location, and really anything that relates even closely to them, I was able to find a definition of who they were. A realization of how they would act in any given situation, in essence,  was trying to learn to balance their equation. To enlighten someone, you must first know them as well as possible, hopefully knowing yourself in the process. Prepare your answers, your words, your actions in the light of their own definition. Essentially, it's manipulation. But, I had only the best of intentions for these people, I was manipulating them into a place where they would themselves have to face their own life and make a decision of who they wished to be. I gave them the fuel and it was their job to drive themselves to the right conclusions.

But I failed. Amanda tried to commit suicide, and two of my charges succeeded, all in the same month.

I had always wondered what would happen to me if I lost a charge. I had come to the conclusion that I would fall apart. I was correct in my assumption. I became unbalanced, bitter, depressed, I tried to help people still, but I stopped looking at them as people, and started seing them as cases, as identical situations capable of the same outcome as those who came before. I would find similarities between the present and the past, and apply the protocol that I had defined beforehand, but I didn't know enough about these people. I failed them almost everytime.

And that made me more bitter. I started falling apart. This continued for a year. I began to carve myself. Two words, one done when they died, and the other done the following year. "Lost Fool" in my left arm. I blamed myself for their death because they seemed content in their own decadence, if I had not shown them something better, I doubted that their life would have gone to such an end as that.

I started dating a girl named Emily. Didn't know her age at first. Turned out she was fourteen, I was eighteen. I broke up with her. Later on I started dating her again because to judge someone based on age has always been a situation I tried to avoid. Brian's friend, that's what she was. She started talking to me in hopes of ruining my life the way that I "ruined" his. However, she fell in love with me instead. It made me happy beyound words. For the first time in a long time, I was happy. She saw through the lies of Brian and saw beyound my dispair, and found what I had once been before the deaths that had occured. That was a sign to me that I could be repaired.

She cheated on me, or so she said, later on she told me she didn't, I don't know, and I hardly care because it doesn't change the past. The pain that was brought to me was enough to shake me off of my horse and back into despair.

Soon after that, I gave up on dating, at least long distance. I joined myspace and I met a girl named Mariah. But, since I have to get ready for work, I'll leave the last year of my life as a mystery for now.

Why do emo bands have this need to have awesome titles for songs that have NOTHING to do with their songs lyrics or music?

*shrugs* Oh well, I still like the music, most of the time, so it all works.

I watched Ultraviolet a few days ago, not very found of it, it's just uh, too, eh. The story and plotting isn't there, the characterization wasn't there, the visuals were stunning though. Truly stunning. All in all, it was decent until the end, and then *shrugs* near the end I just wanted to turn it off.

I started playing that Dynasty Warriors 5 game, it kicks ass, I love it. Simple gameplay, RPG statistics, real time combat, armies converging, and best of all, beat the game with a character? That's cool, why not play another character now, they all have different storylines, and you can unlock other characters that way.

I like the game, it's fun.

Anyway, reminded me that I should get to work revamping my old Taskmaster war game. But I'm not sure what to make the units this time around. At least the rules are already pretty grounded. Anyway, I'm not really sure what to write right now. I just have stuff I need to do and was chilling while downloading some of Peachcake's tracks so I could get a feel for their music. And I tell you, I like, if you like Panic! At The Disco, you'll like Peachcake, they don't have the swing aspect, but they blend electronica, indie to nice effect. Find them here: www.peachcakemusic.com


So, I'm off, seeya later guys.

So, Father's Day, I couldn't find the gift I wass going to get my Dad, and I was generally in a bad mood, I figured I wouldn't get to talk to Mariah until twelve, and I was right. I got crushed at work last night, we all did. So anyway, we didn't game this weekend, that sort of sucked, but Mike brought Mind of Mencia season one, so we watched that. I'm really not sure what to say, I should be working on my D&D campaign and getting ready for work, and maybe taking a shower, yeah, that sounds nice. All right, I'm totally taking off, seeya.

Well, I finally changed my LJ, a little, not a lot. Just made it more like I want it is all. I liked Mariah's LJ and her Myspace, and I decided it was about time I jumped back into the game. I'm not really sure what to say, my life's kind of bland really. Mariah is already at work, and I'll be heading to work here soon too, until then I'm chilling, but I really should go do SOMETHING, so, I'm off to do SOMETHING, even if I'm not sure what that is yet.

   Apparently, according to the Belief-o-matic, these are the religions that most closely resemble my religious beliefs.

1.	Neo-Pagan (100%)
2.	New Age (93%)
3.	Liberal Quakers (91%)
4.	Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (89%)
5.	Unitarian Universalism (85%)
6.	Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (75%)
7.	Mahayana Buddhism (73%)
8.	Bahá'í Faith (66%)
9.	New Thought (63%)
10.	Taoism (62%)
11.	Scientology (61%)
12.	Theravada Buddhism (59%)
13.	Reform Judaism (58%)
14.	Secular Humanism (55%)
15.	Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (54%)
16.	Sikhism (51%)
17.	Hinduism (49%)
18.	Orthodox Quaker (49%)
19.	Jainism (48%)
20.	Jehovah's Witness (48%)
21.	Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (40%)
22.	Seventh Day Adventist (26%)
23.	Orthodox Judaism (24%)
24.	Islam (22%)
25.	Nontheist (21%)
26.	Eastern Orthodox (16%)
27.	Roman Catholic (16%)

     In beggining, God created the heaven and the earth, and the earth was in darkness without form. And God looked into this Void and summoned light, and thus God looked into the light and said "Behold, it is good." And God created form for the world, and creatres to inhabit it, and stated "Behold it is good." And god created man. And man... man created sin. And what remained of the Void found place within the hearts of man. And the Void looked out from the darkness of humanity and said "Behold".

Don't know what to say, but thought that sounded interesting, so there ya go, random saying I just came up with.

Look's like Basia gets her taste of things. A look at the inner mind of, well, whatever you want to call me.

First off, Mariah, I hope this doesn't depress you, all you need to know is that I've gotten a lot farther since we met than I ever thought possible, I used to be much worse than what will be revealed to you.

Francis, Lyle, Amadeo, Karne, Fray, Psycho, a hundred pseudonyms for what could be described as the same thing, the same person, the same existence, regardless of changes in design my being remains the same. The same blood flows, the same two arms and legs, same blue and green eyes, same flesh and bone. The changes lie in more emotional, and philosophical composition. In my mind there are mistakes and sorrows, victories and mastery, joy in exchange for misery and tragedy becoming euphoria.

I hope that sounds confusing, because the paradoxical nature of my mental constitution is indeed the basis for the question. What do I feel? Why do I feel? How do I feel? What causes me to feel? To what end do I feel? A search and destroy mission with memories and false congruity.

Let me extrapolate.

My life can be seen as having started variously at my conception, at my birth, at the moment when I first began to reason and deduce the intricacies of the world in which I live, when I first began to influence that outside world in a meaningful way, and finally at every important life changing juncture of my life.

As to the last, let us look at these junctures to truly understand their importance in the matter of crafting my life.

I am young, ten years of age, and my house burns down while I watch, my whole life up in smoke, my possessions, my safety, my belief in the Almighty God shaken, and the knowledge that if I had been slower, if I had taken too long, my brothers and myself could have died. If I had failed, which I almost did at one point, standing just outside the threshold of my house, looking at in in disbelief and shock, then we all could have died. Their deaths on my hands. I resolved to never do so again. Never stall, never fail, to prepare for every eventuality, every possibilitiy. To be strong and protect the ones I love.

I am eleven and I have hardened myself, I have sworn never to cry or to expose outside my inner weaknesses, I have resolved that if their is a god he is either impotent, or uncaring. Either he is not worthy of worship, or he is only worthy of contempt. I find that no one messes with me at school like they had in my earlier childhood, I had become "that psycho kid" they talked about me behind my back, joked about me going off on people. I could feel the razor edges of their glares, their laughing eyes and their contempt. It angered me even more, but I didn't show my anger so much anymore because, well, I suppose I had reached such a position of anger that I just didn't know how to express it anymore. I bottled everything up. My god had either abandoned me or failed me, my faith was lost, that integral piece that had guided me for the first part of my life vanquished in a single night of licking flames. My hatred for christianity knew no bounds, I was determined to crush the church, to destroy the duplicity and end the centuries old lies. I was determined that every church, every religious artifact, every piece of material that could point to that lie be burned as my life was burned.  I had a few friends, and they kept me company at times. But at school I seemed an outcast, at home I seemed a ghost, and the only solace I could find was in nature, and in a game called Dungeons and Dragons which taught me to roleplay, taught me to tell stories, to craft legacies and forced me to educate myself even further. I poured over this, my salvation, my only escape from the larger world, I learned Tolkein's stories, I read novels, I researched terms and history, I force-fed myself knowledge and dreams.

I am twelve, I have been playing D&D, and it qwells my anger when I play. School is about to begin. Dread fills me and I cannot hope to overcome it, the stares, the jokes, the poking, their eyes fixed on me, waiting for a show. I have no possessions, I have no one I can open up to, my god is fake, my life is meaningless, I cannot find the strength to elevate myself, how can I protect those I care about. I have been considering suicide. I do not fear death, I relish in it. I beg for it, from whoever could listen in the night's starry sky, in nature's bosom core, I beg for release from life. I never recieve. I find a plastic bag, a wire, a rope, and a razor. I go out into the woods and tie the rope to a tree branch, I then tie a noose on the other end, I cut my wrists and drop the razor, I place the bag over my head and use the wire to tie it in place tightly, so that it presses painfully into my throat, I place my head into the noose and jump. I awakne, who knows how much time has elepsed, my neck hurts more than anything I can imagine, the bag has ripped and dirt is clumped with caked blood on my wrists, the wire still is pressed tightly against my throat, but the pain is negligible. I remove the noose and bag and wire, I untie it from the branch and bury the evidence of my failed suicide. I pick up the tree branch and toss it as far as I can. That hurts too and I walk up to my house. No one is home yet, so I go into the bathroom and turn on the shower, I let the water cascade down my body and wonder why I'm not dead. With so many contingincies, why do I yet remain alive. I assume I must have a reason to yet live, and that once I've completed it I'll be allowed to die. I sob and cry for what seems like hours, wash up, towel off, take some ibuprofen for the headache and go lay in bed, turn up the music as loud as possible and sleep.

School starts, I'm still twelve, but something has changed, now that I've tried death and found it wanting, I don't have anything left, so why not let things play out. I feel happy and alive and strong. Full of purpose I rise each morning and go to school. I find that no one stares at me with derision anymore, I find I am respected and that people trust me. I become a confident and use my new abilities to learn a lot about people and their thought processes. I use this information o help them, as coyly as possible, without revealing my machinations. I am pleased with the results, I find that people are vastly interesting studies. And I forget that people are people. People are children who didn't know what they needed, only knew what they wanted. I was their to guide and protect them, even from themselves.

Thirteen. People, people, people. So many issues, so many things that are important, it's annoying, like moths drawn to their own destruction they flock. I hate it. Loathe it. I wish my suicide had worked. I begin looking for a loophole, the military is the loophole. A short life-span and the chance to die for a cause. An amazing loophole. But it turns out that I can never be in the military due to my blind eye. I hate the military, I hate god, and I hate people. I've continued playing D&D and keeping friends. But I just don't really care anymore.

Fourteen. I finished pokemon this year, I was obssessed, did I mention I also beat FF7? Gaming became my personal salvation this year. I reveled in it, needed it. It kept me from hate and from myself.

Fifteen. I overlook my life, I don't like what I see. I've let myself stain my existence with hatred and negativity, and I promise myself I'll do better. So I join a forum for Neverwinter Nights, my first forum, and I start actively posting. I rejuvenate the dying forum and bring it back to life. I then join the staff as a mod and I start an online D&D game.

Late Fifteen--Sixteen. I meet Basia. She fascinates me, and I am deeply crushing on her. But the past haunts me, NEVER have I had a good relationship, ever have I been denied. I fear. I hesitate. And then I meet Alicia, I talk to her, and one day she tells me she wants to date me, so eager to be given over to someone I agree. I apologize to Basia, who still loves me, she who loves me to this day. I cry when I do that, I cry when I write her the letter, I cry when I send it, I cry and cry and cry and wonder why fear keeps me so. Alicia and I date. I find a sense of place in the world, even if she did lie to me about her age, she told me the truth later on and was forgiven. I find Catherine, a lost soul who gets a crush on me. I become friends with her and one day she tells me a secret that has ruined her life. I help her through it and she takes to my advice and words like doctrine, I feel I have found my place. Helping people is my place. Alicia cheats on me. Or rather, I find out she was cheating on her boyfriend with me. I am shattered. I am confused and broken and shattered. I can't remember well that time. But I met Shay then. Shay and I became friends, best of friends, and I cared for her. Although I shouldn't have, she was dating my mate Damian. But he continually hurt her, and I couldn;t stand for her to be treated as he had treated his last girlfriend. She leaves Damian for me, tells him this right before Christmas. She cries. I am shattered and torn. Honour dictates I protect the girl, honour dictates I serve my mate, honour dictates I fix the problem I had created. I get them back together, on the clause that is was all my idea, that it was to elicit better treatment of her. He "treats her better". It was a falsehood, instead she merely lied to me. Alicia and I are off and on for awhile.

Seventeen. Alicia and I break up. A year and a half of dating over. I just couldn't do it anymore. I begin to get a crush on Pippa. I talk to her more frequently, and more frequently. I hide this from Shay and Meredith, who are not found of her. I promise myself I will not become a Pippa Zombie as I had penned her obsessive suitors.  I just became a different strand of Pippa Zombie. I realize Pippa and I will never be, and I date Meredith, because she has always wanted it, and I decided I would give it to her. She found out about my former crush on Pippa. Kate and I talk on the phone, and we found out we had always liked each other. But I'm not about to dump Meredith for her and she doesn't want that either. We continue on being friends. Meredith spills the Pippa crush revelation to me and breaks up with me. Shay is given an ultimatum by Damian, either date him or be friends with me, but not both. She chooses him and I am shattered. I have lost my best friend and my girlfriend in one week. I retreat from the world and become very, very, very messed up in the head. Very depressed. I see Shay online and go:

Me: You have me unblocked.
Her: Yes
Me: Why?
Her: I just couldn't refuse one more chance to tell you, you are the scum of the earth.

I break to pieces and die inside. The only friends I have left are Kate, who is too wrapped up in her problems with Matt, and Basia, who seems all too apathetic since a certain asshole who will not be named had burned her. I have no one I trust with my problems. One day Shay calls me and tries to talk to me. I hide my feelings from her because she needs it, but my resolve breaks under the pain and she says she is going to go. I beg her not to and she makes me promise to not hide things from her then. I promise and we become friends again.

---------------God, this story is taking a long time, and I'm not even halfway done yet. I've tried leaving out a lot of things so that things don't get overbearing. Anyway, Mariah, know I love you, know you make me happy, and don't let this stuff get to you, ok? Basia, you are a wonderful friend, thank you for sticking by me. Kate, if you are reading this, you too are very important to me. Any anyone else who reads this, I wish you well.

   This post is for Kate, who asked on Myspace that I talk about my life. So here goes.

Life is, well, life. I'm working on increasing my artistic abilities, I'm working on a few comics, I'm collecting comics like crazy, I'm getting back into writing and I'm running a D&D game. I bought a PS2, fun little system, I'm obsessed with Final Fantasy 10 and even X-2. I own Spiderman 2099 1-7, several Spawn, Doom 2099 1-3, Dork Tower Volume Five, a few Dork Towers besides, you know, just, comic books.

*shrugs* Life has been nothing but work, I'm getting overtime every week, I just got a raise which is nice, but *shrugs* all I do is work. Work, Work, Work, Work, Work. That's my life. Friends? I don't ever seem to get to talk to them anymore, it's depressing.

I keep having dreams about Nikki, who is one of my old friends, we were like bro and sis, and I miss her a lot, but I have no idea how to get ahold of her right now.

Emily and Katelyn are none too happy with not talking to me that often. *shrugs* Nothing I can do about it.

Kate, there just isn't much in my life right now, I'm working, and when I'm not working, I'm getting up, or getting ready for bed. I'm overworked and time just flows without any sort of meaning or purpose. I'm tired and holding onto my trip in August to see Mariah to mantain my sanity. Life isn't living currently, it's surviving. Ya know? At least the real depression has stopped, now, now I'm just dreary.

*shrugs* And that's my life.

      I'm going to be delaying the Pokemon Play of the Day for awhile unless someone has a suggestion. Just send it in to karne@darksites.com. I'll post it up here, include the tip, your "tag" or the name you want credited, and if you want, your e-mail and website. I'll pick from the best and put it up here...

...Is what I would be saying if I got off my butt and had a website. You can still send in a pokemon play of the day if you want, and I will do that. BUT, only my girlfriend reads this sooooooo...

yeah.

       Anyway, to replace the Pokemon Play of the Day. I'm going to have a new section called Mega-Gamer's Tips and Tricks, or for short MG Double T. This section will be replacing PPotD with tips from all sorts of games, a new tip, or trick everyday. Today's will be for Final Fantasy X, I've been on a kick with it for the last couple weeks and I'm totally hooked, if you haven't played this game I highly suggest it. The story starts when star Blitzball player Tidus, captain of the Zanarkand Abes, is swept away mid-game to a new world called Spira due to the mighty entity known as Sin. When he becomes friends with the Guardian named Wakka he joins him, and the Summoner Yuna on a journey to gather Aeons (creatures that will battle for you, summons ya know?) and ultimately defeat Sin. Replacing the ATB system is the CTB system, which allows you to truly strategize your battle ahead of time, switch party members mid-battle to utilize their unique strengths and of course save the world as only a Final Fantasy game can allow you to do.

Quote of the Day:
        "Holy Shit, he does limit break damage for only 1 gil!" --Me after acquiring Yojimbo.

Question of the Day:
        Anyone have any questions?

Comic Update:
    Nothing has really changed...I need to get off my butt and learn to DRAW!!!!

MG Double T:
   After Auron acquires the Masamune via the input feature of the Airship, equip him with a Bracer that has the abilities: Magic +5%, Magic +3%, Magic +20%, and finally Silenceproof. Add Magic Booster to the Masamune, teach Auron Doublecast and Ultima, Flare, whatever spells you want. With this all in place, Auron will cast your most powerful magic twice in a row, for only 4MP, and deal 2.28% of normal damage.

Quote of the Day:
      "Comicraft's the absolute best. They have the most intense, emotional, and dramatic fonts you can find. I buy their fonts, I use their fonts, I covet their fonts."--J.J. Abrams, creator of Alias.

Pokemon Play of the Day:
      Uh...I've been neglecting my duties, but how about taking a pokemon like Kindra, you know, someone who can learn both Sleep Talk and Rest, and combine it with a Chesto Berry. Even after the Chesto Berry is gone, sleep talk means that using Rest still keeps you in the game.

Quiestion of the Day:
     The moment we are born is the moment we start living. From the moment we are born have started dying. So, to live is to die. Why then are we afraid of death? In all the sufferings of life this will be the final salvation, as a way to save ourselves from pain inumerable, our bodies frail and weakened we are given over to death. Why then, are we afraid of our deserved salvation?

Comic Update:
       Sent Mariah some tutorials to help her learn to draw. Started formulating the comic "Not Me, But He". Here's a seller line:

       When Derrick Moore's father loses his job due to his alcoholic tendencies the youth is forced to move again as his father takes a job at the Wilson's Steel in the small town of Evergreen. When the young intellectual gets into a fight with the local toughs, the Quarterback of Evergreen's football team Jack Sutherland lends a hand in his defense. Overcoming the barriers of an intellectual difference the two quickly become friends. Jack softens the hard-boiled Loner and Derrick begins to open up despite a broken home. When Derrick meets the young Angela Wilson, brother to the bully that continues to cause him troubles he finds his first real love. But Angela has a dark secret, and the moment she tells Derrick the small group of friends, and even the town of Evergreen will never be the same.

Realistic Fiction containing Adult Themese.

Quote of the Day:
    "Oh yah, and a lollerbus is just like a lollercar except its alot longer and has more wheels and carries more people for all you wierd americans how havnt seen lollerbuses before. Well dude, a lollercar is just kinda like a lollerbike, except its got a more powerful engine, four wheels instead of two and doors and a chassis. Man you americans must really be underpriveliged!"--Equinox

Question of the Day:
    Why is it that some people (Mariah), can't stand it when other people (me) roll to get around faster in Zelda games?

Pokemon Play of the Day:
   The Stall Blissey: Create a Blissey, set attack to zero, raise special defense, defense, speed, and hp. HP: Dark. Special Ability: Natural Cure. Moveset: Protect, Endure, Softboiled, Toxic.
 Use toxic to poison your foe, then use softboiled if you get hurt, protect alternated with Endure if there attacks would kill you (for instance fighting) and watch them drown in their own sorrow.

Comic Update:
   Mariah and I are going to start the Rae and Firazel comic pretty soon. So a comic might actually get done, considering she'll be on me hour by the hour.

         Well, it's been awhile since I've updated. I've considered making things friend's only from this point on, but that just seems stupid to me. Why would I want to do that? I have nothing to hide, and no reason to fear anything. If someone wants to blast me, then I'll let them, there is no reason not to do so, everyone is entitled to there own opinion, BUT, to keep things from getting out of hand, I will reserve my right to delete any comments I don't want on my journal. So keep that in mind, if you make a comment, and you fear that it might get deleted, but you like it's content, I suggest you copy and paste it into a word processor and call things good.

Anyway, from now on I think I'll make this a little more interesting. Maybe put in some familiars or specials in this little blog of mine.

The Quote of the Day is this: 
       "I sent some squirrels to check on you, but they haven't returned yet."--Emily

Pokemon Play of the Day:
       When on Netbattle, Thunderbolt is a great attack with strong attack power that relies on your Special Attack score to hurt the opponent, coupled with a pokemon who has calm mind and baton pass you can pass on a super-high special attack score to your chosen electric pokemon. But electricity is useless against ground type pokemon, and since most people like to chose water-ground duos, like Swampert or Barbaroach, I suggest you equip your electric pokemon with Hidden Power: Grass.

Question of the Day: 
    What the hell is Emo? I know it's bands such as Dashboard Confessional, Fallout Boy, Matchbook Romance. I know the bands, but what does Emo stand for in society's eyes? I mean, punk rockers are anarchic, hip hoppers are "ganstas", does that mean Emos are whiners?

D&D Update:
    So, the group decided to work with me on a horror based campaign, and after defeating a demon baby which was possessed by the seed of an evil god they have now been assigned to look into a Mage's Guild doing research in the ruined kingdom of Helios. Working with the Khasta Kristaar they have managed to gain entrance to the Guild which is covered with a living, pulsating resin and inhabited by emaciated creepy spell slingers that can walk on walls and ceilings.  Moving steadily onward they hope to discover what happened to the Guild and retrieve the archmage's spellbook.

Comic Update:
   I typed up two updates on the comic for Mike to draw, although I'm not sure if he's working on them, and I'm currently looking through stories of mine to change into comic format. Mariah and I are going to do a comic based on an RPG we had going.

And Now We Continue with your Regular Blog:
    Well, I woke up this morning, woke Mariah up and we slept together till ten. Following that I got her moving to class and I got on the computer and got caught up in the research of Prisban the Neurophysiologist, Bohm the english physicist, and Aspect the italian physicist, and of course good old Hugo Zuracelli, and how their research helps to expound the eastern principles of relative and consensual reality.
   Following that I talked to Mariah and we discovered that in Florida you cannot check into a hotel if you are not 21 or older. I seem to be pretty fucked, but we have some ideas. And worse comes to worse, I'll rent an apartment for a month or so at one thousand dollars and call it good. But we are going to check with her parents first and maybe work something out. Because I'm going no matter what, even if I have to sleep in a car...by the way, a rental care has an age requirement of 21 as well...
    So, I ran into Latios yesterday and I can't seem to catch him, so I leveled up my Gloom and evolved him into a Vileplume. Hopefully I'm faster than him now.  I've got a pokedex of 73 and counting and I'm going to only get it higher and higher. I found Game Freak in Ruby version, at the Lilycove Motel. The Game Designer still says the same thing he said in the original games: "Come see me when you've finished your pokedex."

Uh, HEY JACKASS! How the hell am I supposed to get MEW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Sorry, that made me angry.

Anyway, I need to calm down, listen to my Ska Music and play Pokemon for a little while. Seeya.

Ok, so the great pokephile hasn't written in awhile. So, what's new in my life? Well, when I go down in June I'm going to be having a double date with me, Mariah, and Shay and Ali...dude, I'm going to look like a pimp or something...three girls...this is gonna look bad. So, I beat the Elite Four, twice, they give good money and decent experience. I've got a whole team of linoone and zigzagoon. Why you might ask do I have a team of six normal pokemon? They all have the ability "pickup" meaning they randomly get free items. I've found twelve super potions, five rare candies, one pp up, three protein, one zinc, two full restores, and god knows what else. It's all free too, and you can't even buy pp ups or rare candies! This is awesome! Free items!

So, what else, I have three different covers for MARVEL ZOMBIES #1, one for #2, two for number #3, and one for #4. I love that series, Kirkman is awesome.

Wow, I really don't feel like writing, because I just realized, those "Ruins" in pokemon are probably open now that I've beaten the game...

...uh...gotta catch 'em all.

Scrambling around for a notebook at 2:20 in the morning isn't something I do often, but here I am doing it anyway. I was just here thinking, "I know I'm talented, so why haven't I made it yet?". I have some great plots, and awesome stories, but I just can't seem to do it. Its because I only see part of the story. Its like tuning into a movie on sattellite during a rainstorm and having it cut out, and when you call the provider they go "Well, we offered you the upgrade to a better dish, you turned us down because it costs too much money."

And I have to wonder to myself, is making it worth the sacrifice? Yes, it is, because to be with Mariah, I have to make it. I HAVE to impress her parents, I HAVE to gain the confidence of her sister, I HAVE to move to Florida, and then to Maryland, and somehow marry the girl.

Mike and I are suppossed to be working on the comic, and we are, to an extent, meaning we have ideas, we just need to apply them. I've got to make structure, maybe a timetable will help get our asses moving. Tomorrow I'm going to call him, and write some more strips up in my particular storyboard format. We'll go over them as soon as possible, maybe if he sees the strips (more so than he has) he'll have more incentive.

And I should study, the quarter bin at the comic shop in Muskegon has tons of interesting independent comics that never made it, I should find out why, and learn from their mistakes.

And whatever happened to my shirt ideas? I should find out what that would take, and do it.

And my forum, I gave up on it. Why? We didn't have anyone posting, but we do now, so why don't I go back.

And why can't I stay motivated? Is it really so easy to allow pessimism and doubt to ruin my mind?

And why don't I write up soimething from Avalon for Dragon and Dungeon?

And my old Tackmaster game, I should rewrite that for D20 and put the rules up somewhere.

Everyday I should write something, either a journal or a freewrite.
Everyday I should learn something.
Everyday I should draw a picture.
Everyday I should read or watch the news.
Everyday I should work on a project of mine.
Everday I will tell Mariah I love her.

I've said it a million times, I HAVE to make it. I just have to.

2:42am

Myspace won't post my bulletin, so here!

First video game you can remember ever playing.: Zelda

First video game console ever owned.: Nintendo

Favorite arcade game before 1992.: The original Donkey Kong

When you played Duck Hunt, did you press the Zapper against the TV?: ducked behind a chair and pretended I was bush hunting actually.

Favorite line from River City Ransom.: ?

What system did you beg the parents for and never get?: PS2

Worst NES peripheral you ever bought.: The bot that was supposed to play the game with you.

Ever beat a Contra without cheating?: Um...I got close.

Did you read Nintendo Power?: Hell Yeah!

Did you see the Wizard in theatres?: nope

Did you go see it again to look at SMB3 one more time?: uh, see above

Favorite SNES game.: Holy shit, that is hard...uh...Illusion of Gaia?

Favorite Genesis game.: The Power Rangers one.

Favorite Gameboy (greyscale) game.: Final Fantasy Legends

Favorite NES game.: Hands down it would have to be Super Mario Brothers 3

Worst SNES game you ever owned.: I didn't own bad ones...so Primal Rage?

Worst Genesis game you ever owned.: Never had a Genesis

Worst NES game you ever owned.: Hmm...Football. That's right, it was called Football.

Ever collect all the pieces of a Triforce?: Hell YEAH!

Best crappy licensed game you ever played.: Um...Football.

Mortal Kombat, Killer Instinct, or Street Fighter? (16-bit only): Mortal Kombat

Ever sneak out of bed to play video games?: Hell YEAH!

Best classic game ever played while sick at home?: Super Mario 3


PC time. Lets see if you kids really are geeks.


You are in an open field west of a big white house... Name it!: Ouch, I don't know this one.

First time you ever played Doom.: When my friend had it on his computer.

Did your parents even let you play Doom?: They didn't know I'd played it, but they would have let me.

Favorite LucasArts point-and-click adventure?: Never played them.

Ever play an MMORPG?: Yes.

Do you know what a MUD is?: nope

What does OpenGL mean to you?: Opem Gaming Liscence

First time playing a deathmatch online. What game?: I didn't deal with that stuff.

Ever go to a Lan Party?: No

Favorite PC game (pre-94): Doom

Favorite PC game (post-94): OBLIVION!!!!!!

Worst PC game of all time.: The Land Before Time disk you get with the Sing Along collection...even though I played it all the time.

Ever spend more than two hours playing CounterStrike?: Yes

How much Ram does your Video card have?: I haven't checked, but not enough....it's never enough.

Ever install aftermarket cooling in your PC?: does a fan behind it count?

Do you think Doom3 was too dark?: Hell NO

Best method of destruction in SimCity.: Earthquake

Ever naked mod your Sims?: Nope


Almost Classic Consoles: uh...none


You didn't buy a Saturn, right?: ...no comment.

First time you played a Playstation? Did it rock your world?:God, god, I'm so hooked, look, look, polygon goodness, and he has a huge FUCKING SWORD!

Best fighting game on the PS1.: Ohh...hard one...uh...Mortal Kombat Ultimate?

Best PS1 RPG?: Final Fantasy 9 of course.

When Aerith died, did you cry like a japanese schoolgirl?: ...shut the hell up!

Best times with a PS1 sports game?: shoot me

Ever beat Metal Gear Solid twice to get the Bandanna?: never beat it once.

Best Music In a PS1 game?: Liberi Fatali off of FF8

Worst PS1 game in history?: Uh...don't know.

Favorite N64 game?: Wow, either Goldeneye or Ocarina of Time

You just wrote GoldenEye right?: Hell YEAH

Most time spent in one mutiplayer session of GoldenEye? Oh god, over six hours?

Favorite GoldenEye weapon?: Remote Mines

Did you pick OddJob?: nope

Favorite Smash Brothers character?: Samus

Favorite Perfect Dark Weapon?: Labtop Turret

Favorite N64 Zelda moment?: Shiek and Link surrounded by fire.

Ever play NiGHTs on the Saturn?: nope


Current Gen Systems


What systems do you own?: Gamecube, Xbox

Best PS2 game ever.: Kingdom Hearts

Where were you the first time you played Grand Theft Auto III?: uh, no

Best PS2 RPG?: Kingdom Hearts

Ever play Karaoke Revolution?: nope

Favorite Tony Hawk game?: Um, Wasteland

Longest amount of time spent playing Halo2 in one session.: Um...over twelve hours.

Favorite weapon in Halo2?: Sniper Rifle

Favorite Carney hole?: what the fuck?

Best Xbox game ever.: Halo 2

Do you have a Gamertag?: Shade

Ever play Xbox in HD?: YES!

What does 1080i mean to you?: Nothing

Ever play Resident Evil 4? Did you pee your pants?: Hell yeah, and no, as far as they go it wasn't scary.

Best Gamecube game ever?: RE4

Worst Gamecube game ever.: MARIO PARTY GAMES!

Ever own an Eyetoy?: No!

Current Gen Portables


Do you own any current generation portable systems?: GBA

Favorite portable game.: Pokemon

Ever watch porn on a PSP?: You can do that?!?!

PSP or DS. Who wins in a round of Jello Wrestling?: I'll shoot them both.


Almost Done.....


Favorite Console Of All Time?: SNES

Top 5 Favorite Games Of All Time?: Pokemon Blue, Halo 2, Ocarina of Time, Super Mario RPG, FF7.

What are you going to do after this survey?: Go to work.

Ever feel as if you just can't win?

Right now, right here, in my heart, and in my soul I'm falling.

How can I get better if I continue to put myself again and again into the nightmare of this world?

Let me explain, some of you don't know me after all.

There was a girl, she was interesting and she was very inspirational in that fun chibi sort of way. She got a crush on me and asked me out...I told her I was already with someone.

Her: Of course, how could someone as great as you not be taken. I'm sorry, I'll just leave you alone now.
Me: Whoa whoa whoa, hold on, I don't want to lose our friendship, I do care about you, and I do want to be your friend.

So we did the friendship thing, and one day she told me her biggest secret.

Her uncle had raped her, when she tried to help her cousin from the same fate. It had happened so long ago she had started to undergo a transformation I'm quite familiar with now. There are several common outcomes of rape victim transformations.

The rape victim sees herself as a monster and blames herself.
The rape victim lives in fear and uncertainty due to the situation.
The rape victim becomes sexually promiscous, either as rebellion or due to the fact that she believes that is all she is wanted for, and in so wanting a place in the world, succumbs to this method.

Those are the three most common outcomes. She was the first one. And she was also the first. It took me over a year to help her. Consoling her, talking to her, taking care of her, loving her, not in the way she had wanted, but still. She's older than me, but to this day she feels like a daughter to me. I love her, and she's getting married soon. She's very strong now, stronger than I am lately, and when we talk, she uses my own words to console me, always quoting them and always acting as if they are the bible of her life. And maybe they are, but to me, they are words, expressions or opinion. But a better opinion than what she had. And they can only help if the person allows them too.

I've dealt with several more rape cases in the past three years. So many I lose count, I've lost two. They killed themselves. I think I'm about to lose another and there is nothing I can do. I have nightmares about it, about them killing themselves, mutilating themselves, about the act, about failing them. It is always only a little way from my mind. I can't seem to get away. When I try to stop, I just find more reason not to.

I've been told over and over that if I step down then someone else will step up, but, if that is true, won't everyone step down thinking someone else will do the job? Duty. It feels like my responsibility, I have helped them before, and as I am able to, I must continue, for their sake. But I feel like I am dying, and if I die, how can I help them anymore? I feel torn and ripped and destroyed sometimes. My honour, and my love for Mariah sustain me, I just want normality. Or as much of it as I can have. Hopefully, I can acquire something of it. I don't want normal normal, but I don't want to be depressed, and I don't want to be weak, and I *shrugs* I just don't know where to go from here. So, hopefully I'll figure it out. And hopefully, I won't lose anyone again.